1 post tagged “cam &^%!in bonifay”
Suppose you populated a room with 10 fan representatives from each of the 30 major league teams, and after you destroyed all the ThunderStix being wielded by the Angels fans and broke up the three obligatory melees between Red Sox and Yankees faithful and basically established enough order to get everyone’s attention... suppose you then posed the question, “Could your team win the Pacific Coast League or International League Championship this year?”
My guess is that it’d be easy to spot the Pirates fans, as they’d be the only ones not laughing at you or saluting you with a very specific digit on one or both of their hands. (Okay, maybe Royals and Rays fans wouldn’t be terribly boisterous either, but after a few moments of thought they’d probably crack a weak smile and nod in the affirmative). No, the Bucs faithful would be huddled in a corner, fully engaged in polite but passionate debate and saying things like “Well, if Nady stays healthy....” and “If Zach Duke can relocate his mojo...” and “If none of our starters assaults a laundry cart...” And, if you let them go on indefinitely, they’d start asking the big questions, like, “On average, how many corn dogs do you think Ronny Paulino eats for breakfast?” Eventually, of course, the conversation would degenerate into a variety of death threats against Barry Bonds, Derek Bell, the Nuttings, and Pat Meares. (For the record, I recommend intervening before the death threats commence... bringing an irate Pirates fan back from the brink is about as easy as picking up a puppy using nothing but chopsticks and a can-do attitude). In any event, I suspect that if you stopped the conversation and pressed the Pirates’ fan reps for an answer, one of them would drop his eyes to the ground and mutter, “Well, I hope we’d be able to win a AAA crown.”
Because that’s the thing about Pirates fans. After watching a lousy on-field product for a decade-and-a-half, the only thing worth having is hope. But, with each passing year, even holding hope seems increasingly foolish. And, if you disagree with that last statement, consider that the following pitchers are competing for a Buccos bullpen spot this spring: Masumi Kuwata, Jaret Wright, Byung-Hyun Kim (on the 40-man roster?!), and Elmer Dessens. Those are just the names you’ve heard of. Imagine how equally uninspiring the unknowns are likely to be. Actually, since this is supposed to be a preview, let’s take a peek at some of the more depressing position battles in camp this year:
Bullpen: Masumi Kuwata vs. The Grim Reaper
Thank you, thank you .... be sure to tip your waitresses. Seriously, I think it’s great that Masumi has been able to realize a lifelong dream by pitching in the Major Leagues, even if it’s for a red-headed stepchild of a franchise. And, I think it’s charming that a small legion of Japanese media follows his every movement. But his finest days as a pitcher came about a decade ago...... um, in Japan, and when he loses his command and leaves the ball up over the heart of the plate, it’s time to start praying for the safety of the corner infielders.
Center fielder: Nyjer Morgan vs. Nate McLouth
Morgan’s claim to fame is a spectacular catch at the end of last season, while Nate McLouth is, uh, Irish, I guess. Sure, none of this information provides any insight into who’s likely to be manning center on opening day, but in my defense, I’m pretty sure that such information doesn’t exist.
Catcher: Ronny Paulino vs. Ronny Paulino’s attention span, Ronny Paulino’s weight and Ryan Doumit
Since I looked like a slightly deflated beach ball in middle school, I generally consider joking about someone’s weight to be off-limits. But, in the case of a professional athlete, I think chubby jokes are in play. Now, to be fair, Ronny has never reached Jimmy Anderson levels of “fitness,” but I also don’t think that Jimmy Anderson should be the gold standard in this realm. The truly sad thing here -- besides the fact that I’m writing about Ronny’s and Jimmy’s individual battles of the bulge -- is that Ronny has a lot of the tools to succeed. If he gave half a crap about playing baseball, I’m sure he’d be a very serviceable Major League catcher. The Bucs will also give Ryan Doumit a look behind the plate, but given his fragility, I’m not sure I’d want him as my everyday catcher. Jesus... it’s almost enough to make you long for the days of Jason Kendall grounding out weakly to second while Keith Osik scratched himself on the bench. Almost.
If you’re a Pirates fan, I don’t know what you’re hoping for this year. Perhaps you hope that Snell and Gorzelanny continue to make strides. Or that Jeff Andrews brought a flux capacitor-equipped Delorean to camp, and that he and Zach Duke take a trip back to 2005. Maybe you’re wishing that LaRoche doesn’t go 2-for-most-third-graders-can’t-count-that-high to start the season. Or you pray that Doumit stays healthy and that he eventually finds a defensive position where he doesn’t look as out of a place as Manny Ramirez at a Mensa meeting. You can hope for all of these things, but the sad truth is that even if these longed-for things come to pass, what can you reasonably expect? An 80 win season?
Hope for what you want. I’ll be hoping that a Pirates employee finally finds a box in some forgotten equipment closet in PNC Park that contains the tiki idol from the Brady Bunch Hawaii episodes. I hope he saws the evil little talisman in half. And, I hope he long tosses the top portion of the idol into the Allegheny River before mailing the ass end of it to Cam Bonifay. Because I think that’s the only way we can hope for 2008 to be different in any meaningful way from the 15 seasons that preceded it.
