HTV Wedding Week: Best Man Toasts

In the first installment of wedding week at Handbasket Travel Ventures, I'd like to offer a few words of advice about toasting as best man.  I should warn you:  I'm not an expert public speaker and I tend to say offensive things unless I concentrate really, really hard.  Anyhow, the following toasting advice is not listed in order of importance (save for the first two items), and I don't claim that it's exhaustive.  Feel free to use the comments section to cover any ground I've neglected.

1. Do not insult the bride.  If you need to insult the bride for your toast to work, write another toast.  If you absolutely, positively must insult the bride and there is simply no way to avoid insulting the bride, you should punch yourself in the face and then write a different toast.  There is only one possible exception to the "don't diss the bride" rule, but unless you're the bride's sister and you have the best sister-sister relationship known to man, you'll want to steer clear of roasting the leading lady.  The groom, of course, is fair game.  The lone possible trap here is if an insult directed at the groom somehow reflects poorly on the bride as well, in which case she is likely to react as if you just called her a whore and then defecated in her mother's plate of chicken marsala.
2. Prior to giving a toast, I gather it's not uncommon to feel like you're about to get hit by a train (in my toasting experiences, it was closer to feeling like I was about to get mauled by a mildly pissed-off baboon with a spastic colon... nothing too pleasant, but certainly better than eating the front end of a New York Central Hudson).  To calm these jitters, I contend that achieving the proper level of inebriation is of paramount importance.  Having a drink or two will grease the skids for a smooth delivery and calm any jitters you might be experiencing.  Of course, this raises the specter of erring on the side of obscene intoxication, and since it's generally considered bad form to vomit seven martinis on the bride, you'll need to guard against imbibing too generously.  As with most things in life, moderation is key.
3. There are those who will tell you that brevity is the new black, but as this blog post suggests, I happen to believe otherwise.  I think brevity is great for those who don't view spoken words as a fun medium and for those who are horrified of speaking in public.  If neither of these applies to you, I wouldn't worry about keeping things overly brief. As long as your toast is planned, and people can feel the flow of your words, then I don't think many will get upset if you Bogart the mic for a minute or two.  If you drunkenly ramble for four minutes, call the bride a whore, vomit seven martinis down her dress, and then take a poo in her mother's chicken marsala, people are gonna get cranky.  Naturally, as the number of toasters grows, the duration of your toast should shrink.  If it's just you and the maid of honor, I wouldn't worry about aiming for one of those 12-second quickies.  Ladies like a man with endurance.
4. The funny/serious conundrum.  Death is easy, comedy is hard.  The serious toast will always play well, and a humorous or partially humorous toast is a bit more of a high wire act.  There are other factors here, including how many guests will be present, how many of those guests are Mormons or Evangelicals, and how inebriated all of these people are likely to be when you're speaking.  I know several people to whom I would recommend that they stick firmly to the serious side of things.  But, if you've got the joke, I say explore the space.
5. I highly recommend versing the final push of your address in traditional toast form.  You know, the whole, "To an enchanted life brimming with moments of grace, splendor, and blah blah blah...  May your domestic disputes be brief and your divorce lawyers superb" deal.  Basically, proffer everybody a cue that you're about to wrap up while giving a nod to tradition.
6. Figure out ahead of time if you're going to have to introduce the other toasters.  If so, it's nice to have a few snappy segues and flattering intros in your back pocket.  Using them creates a false impression that you know what the hell you're doing.
7. Try to determine in advance if you're going to be expected to give multiple toasts at different functions during the weekend. There's nothing worse than having to blow your load (toast-wise) at the rehearsal dinner because you thought you had the night off.
8. Remember this:  For all the nerves and jitters, everybody in the room wants you to do well.  That's a great comfort, and it's well worth reminding yourself of this immediately before you deliver the goods.

Here are some bonus best man tips that I think are worth mentioning:

• As best man, there are three things that you absolutely, positively must have at your disposal during the wedding reception: safety pins, a corkscrew (one of those small "waiter's best friend" folding numbers that you can slip in a tux pocket) and some tissues. Why the safety pins?  I'm not saying that some bridesmaid's jubblies are gonna come flying out of her dress when a seam gives way, but I can't remember the last time I was at a wedding that didn't feature a dress snafu of one form or another.  Bust out the safety pins, and suddenly you're one part Nostradamus, one part MacGyver.  Same thing with the corkscrew.  People become both angry and stupid if they're in the presence of a bottle of wine they cannot open.  Finally, you'll need the tissues in case any ladies or emotionally progressive men fire up the water works at some point during the day.
• If you want to be a hero to some as-yet-undetermined soul at the reception, you can also consider carrying the following items: a deck of cards, a lighter, and some condoms.  I'm not going to elaborate on the possible uses of each of these articles, but I do want to caution you against using all of them in the same act.
• If you're gonna decorate the bride and groom's getaway car, you'll wanna prep for that ahead of time.  I didn't, and it really bit me in the ass during my first stint as best man.  Oh, and whatever you do, never, ever, under any circumstances, should you hand a full bottle of shaving cream to a drunken groomsman with the encouragement, "You know what to do" and then allow him to decorate the getaway car unsupervised for the next five minutes.  If you do, please know that all the shaving cream, along with the groomsmens' collective dignity, will be gone when you return.  (There's nothing quite like seeing "The Humpmobile" drunkenly scrawled in shaving cream on the hood of a car and realizing that approximately 200 people will believe you authored that sentiment.)

I realize I've thrown a lot of best man tips at you, and should you forget some or all of them, there is one final piece of advice that covers them all:  if ever in doubt, strive for the bravado of Connery's 007, the still-waters-run-deep cool of Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca, and the effortless whimsy of Ferris Bueller.  Or, you could simply strive to be George Clooney for an evening.  Either one plays.