Be like Marko
You probably don't know who Marko Jaric is, but he's recently become a pop-culturally relevant man, for a singular reason I'll tackle in a moment. He's a point guard for the Minnesota Timberwolves and this past season, he averaged 8 points, 4 assists, 3 rebounds, and 1 steal in 29 minutes per game. If you don't follow basketball, here's the simple summary of the preceding statistics: Marko's pretty mediocre. If the NBA were suddenly transformed into a large pick-up league, Marko would be one of the stiffs not chosen until the latter portion of the selection process. Personally, I picture him picking his nose, looking at his shoes, and trying to start a conversation with Darko Milicic about how getting selected last is a real kick in the misters.
So why discuss the man at all?
Marko was recently engaged to Adriana Lima, who is best known as a Victoria's Secret model and all-around impossibly hot chick. If you don't know who Ms. Lima is, feel free to conduct some grueling Google Images research. (But, if you're a straight male or a lesbian, please do so after reading the rest of this post... I don't trust you to ever come back from the visual candy store). Very simply, Adriana is aesthetically exquisite. Marko? Not so much. As a result, the pop culture group-think monster (basically a newer, dumber Greek chorus) has added the Marko-Adriana union to the list of other well-known beauty and the beast couples: Lyle Lovett & Julia Roberts and Marc Anthony & Jennifer Lopez.
As you might expect, dudes the world over gnashed their teeth and peppered the internets with nasty comments when the engagement was announced. The typical sentiment went something along the lines of: "The world is so unfair. Here's this plain-looking Jim-Bob-Joe Everyman, and he's managed to hook a supermodel. He doesn't deserve her. I average 7 points and 3 boards a game in my rec league. Where's my supermodel? Hell, I'd even settle for one of those Home Shopping Network broads."
Where to begin? First, there's some faulty thinking in supposing that Marko somehow represents the everyman. While I've been happily pitching him under the bus so far, it's worth mentioning that he's a professional athlete whose salary for the past season was roughly $6,000,000 and whose total earnings from 2006 to 2009 will exceed $25M. You're not going to believe this, but making that kind of money and playing a professional sport on national television opens some doors probably not available to you or me. The kind of doors behind which one might rub elbows with models and starlets. (I'm gonna level with you right now. You weren't ever going to sit next to Adriana on a Southwest flight from Lubbock to Boise, and you weren't going to bump into her at your town's annual corn festival either.) Plus, it's my firm belief that women still carry some evolutionary baggage from the good old days when one had to worry about a mountain lion sneaking into the cave and asking "Are you Sarah Connor?" before dispatching souls to the great beyond. Which is to say that the fairer sex is still drawn to men who could kill a mountain lion using nothing but strength, guile, and maybe a big stick. (I have no scientific support for this statement, but my promise to you is that I will never research any claim that I make in this blog.) Marko's about 6' 7" and weighs 225 lbs, so he passes the "kill big kitty with stick" test. Big dude. Makes a lot of bank. Professional athlete. National television exposure. Other than that, he's just like you and me.
Perhaps more importantly, rather than being upset about this union, shouldn't your average-looking guy be stoked about this engagement? How wonderful that we live in a world where Marko Jaric can trick Adriana Lima into marrying him, Marc Anthony can bag J-Lo, and Lyle Lovett can live the dream (at least for a little while) with Julia Roberts. Ultimately, this story isn't about a lost opportunity, because you never had a chance with Adriana or anyone of her ilk anyway. This is a tale about a woman's unique ability to find romance with a man who's 923 times less attractive than she is. Be like Mike? No, thanks. I think I'd rather be like Marko.
